Picking up the pieces

Nothing can ever prepare you for losing a mother. Prior to me losing my mom, I’d read some heart wrenching stories of people who’d experienced this, I’d read about it in religious publications and I’d written exams on it my psychology  studies. But when it actually happened to me, it’s almost like I experienced amnesia. Or what my brain knew, my heart just couldn’t comprehend or accept.

I dealt with a range of emotions. I judged  myself and felt extremely guilty for a part of me feeling relieved when she died. I felt empty and purposeless because she had been my strongest motivation for working hard. I felt incredibly alone even when surrounded by people.The person who had my best interests at heart and for whom I had been a priority was gone. I was just another face in the crowd.

I’m still learning to deal with those emotions. Sometimes I can think about her and talk about her without breaking down, especially when I think about our happy days we spent together as a family, eating her delicious food and listening to her funny stories. Other times I’m so fragile that I crumble when seeing the mother of the bride at a wedding or grannies playing with their grandchildren. I just allow myself to feel whatever I’m feeling. I have a right to my feelings but it’s my responsibility to ensure that I don’t wallow in them.

I’m also learning to focus on the positives. For 25 years of my life I was loved, unconditionally, by an incredible human being who taught me a lot about this journey called life. The values and morals she instilled in me will remain in me forever.

I’m also trying to learn from the negative experiences too. She was far from perfect but she always did the best she could under the circumstances. She did what she knew based on her past experiences. What matters most to me is that she had the best intentions at heart. I hope the wisdom, courage and determination she had will help me learn from her mistakes  and always strive me improve as a person.

I can honestly say that grief has changed me. For the better and for the worst. The worst is that I don’t have the energy to run after people who show signs of not wanting to be in my life. If I can live without the the person I loved most and knew all my life, I can surely live without someone I recently met. However, I realize that I need to learn to communicate more effectively recognize which relationships are worth fighting for before indignantly cutting people off.

Now of the positives. I take more chances now. I feel if I could handle my worst nightmare coming true, I can handle anything else that comes my way. I’ve learned to be my own best friend and not rely on others to make me happy. I’ve learned to be more independent and stand up for myself and what I believe in. I’m more aware of my mortality now and that makes me want to live life to the fullest.

Most of all, I’ve learnt that life is too short for mediocrity. Whether it’s mediocrity in relationships, work or lifestyle. I’m more motivated to follow my dreams and live the best possible life, like my mom would have wanted me to.

 

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